He came and stole, KILLED, and destroyed

Tags

, , , , ,

A few months ago, I received a call from my precious niece that I will never forget. “Don’t freak out, everything is going to be okay, but momma shot daddy tonight. He is going to be okay they said the bullet went straight through him”……………What in the HELL! I can’t even put into words the feeling and complete shock that overcame me.

My brother-in-law was not okay. It was worse than they had thought, and they couldn’t save his life. He died about 10 hours after I had received that call. My sister was charged with 1st degree domestic violence and taken to jail from the scene. Once he died they upgraded the charges to murder……MURDER, what is even taking place. The shock just grew.

Shock is good because you can do things you can’t believe you can do. I experienced shock for a long time at the discovery of my husband’s affair.  Shock is a gift from God! I know at some point if the cobwebs do not clear it becomes unhealthy, but the first days and weeks of shock, I believe, saves your life. In a four day period we had a bond hearing, and a funeral. I attended both and threw my support behind both. I took out a loan for an attorney and raised money for a funeral. Most of me wanted to sink into the floor and never get up again. I didn’t ! I have been going every since.

Reality is slowly coming to me, tears have turned to anger. My whole family is torn apart. I stay confused most of the time. In my mind I question everyone, thinking noone is ever really honest with me, most less with them self. I fear my husband will get tired of having a wife that does not see present and turn to another.

On a positive note my husband and I are learning to disagree with each other and be okay with that. Before it would make us so mad. I am learning not to try to “change his mind” , but simple not agree. He has been amazing through all this.

As of now my sister’s defense is going with battered wife syndrome, I have been told they think the charges will be dropped soon. My brother-in-law’s ashes sit at the funeral home for a day his wife and daughter can get them. That is all that is left of a 24 year marriage. Nothing is as it seems.

The first part of John 10:10 says “ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” I got that part. The rest of it is what I hold out hope for…………

” I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”-Jesus

Aside

SUCKS

Tags

, , , ,

 This journey of healing and recovery sucks. Can that statement just be enough for a blog post?! I would think that those that have been where I am or are there now would simply know what just that one statement covered.
I’m going to do it, I’m going to just make that my post. I know it seems more like a Facebook status than a “blog post” but I am not doing this to give anyone answers anyway. I am doing this for me, and for the ones that can simply read that first sentence let out a sigh , burst into tears, and say amen.

My heart knows the date

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

It seems to me that even if my mind does not recognize a date my heart does. Just this morning I wanted to look through my old journals, one from this time last year.
This time last year my husband was in the hospital for pancreatitis. (You will learn although from the outside he is one fine man, on the inside of him his body is turning against itself. ) We had no income coming in, and had just about maxed out the credit card.
Wow just that little paragraph makes us sound so pathetic! All these side stories, yet I guess it is all part of the big story. But this is a “BLOG” not a novel. I can’t cover every branch of this at once.
Back on track now…. This time last year was obviously dark and painful. DUH!! We were a whooping 5 months out from d-day, and every other life changing thing was taking place as well. When my pastor is closing at the end of service he often says “Whatever any one is facing rather it be marriage problems, health problems, financial problems, family problems just come up front and let us pray for you” Well someone up there praying hits the jackpot when we go up front!
Yet you know it can always get worse, and it did. I was sitting in that hospital room late at night and my very best friend responded to my text. I had asked her if everything was okay. Earlier in the day we had a conversation that led me to ask. Her response “No , no it is not, I think you know and you probably do not want to be my friend anymore”
This is it, this marks the time of my life that my heart must have said “everyone is a liar” This is the beginning of me becoming a cynic in the area of Christians. My friend who had heard me cry over the pain of betrayal had been having an affair herself, and that night her husband laid it all out for her and how he had learned over the last week of everything. Here I was again feeling so betrayed once again by someone I dearly loved.
Infidelity is like a bad vine that does not stay contained to one area. This is not where I was headed with things but it is now! I hit something as I was writing. Maybe my heart wants to remember so I can see this is one more vine that has tangled itself around me. Infidelity of any kind creates pain for many, not just your spouse. It hurts your children, your parents, your in-laws, your siblings, your church family, and it hurts your best friend! My husband’s good friend felt betrayed by him as well. His friend wanted nothing to do with him for a few weeks.
I have never told my friend I felt so betrayed by her. I know she is hurting too. I know she walks around with so much shame. I hate that for her, but yet a part of me hopes she never forgets the pain she has caused. A part of me hopes my husband never forgets. Could it be that their heart should always remember, could this be “a thorn in their side” , the “cross they have to bear”? Forgiveness is awesome, and grace covers it all, I know this!! But should our hearts forget what our flesh is capable of and the pain we have caused others.
If you are in any form of infidelity I am sure you are frightened to death to tell anyone, most less your spouse, but I beg you stop the selfishness and tell them.
Don’t have secrets. To be discovered will only make it worse. Maybe you don’t want to end the affair, tell your spouse anyway!! You can’t sort through anything in the dark! Most every unfaithful spouse who got caught wishes they would have had the courage to come forward.

Here I am

Tags

, , , , ,

It has taken some time, but here I am attempting to get the thoughts out of my head and my heart. Life has changed so much. It has been ugly and it has been beautiful. That is a whole lot to experience at the same time. I often feel like I stand on the edge of sanity, daring to go over.

Today I am triggered by the thought of not being what my husband needed when his dad committed suicide back in May 2015. I wanted to be there for him and I thought I was. It was during that time someone else walked in door and offered a shoulder.
All I knew to do was pray during that time. Looking back I am not so sure I knew how to just love him where he was at. I kept trying to move him past it so we didn’t get stuck. Neither of us knew how to deal with such a devastating death.

I feel that my husband was in a distant place already, a few months prior he had major surgery on his back. He had dealt with back pain for several years and after a few minor surgeries it seemed it was time to go for fusion. It was a fail! The pain worse than ever and he had a very absent doctor. Pain medication became his savior and His real savior seemed to be far away (at least to him).

Just these few paragraphs have taken me a few days to write! Why do I do that to myself. I swing back and forth from “well I played a part” to ” this was all him and only him”. I want to appear fair and I don’t want to make him look bad. I really do know he is a good man ( he has just chosen to do some hurtful things). I thought I was writing for me! And for the woman who feels just like me, so she doesn’t feel alone. That is assuming anyone ever reads this.

Today I feel I was a good wife!! He just could not see past anything except himself. He was selfish and his whole world consisted of him and his pain. Escape from life was what he wanted. He cam into this marriage with this and over the years he just (well I’ll say we) dressed it up in christian wrapping paper.

That is it, that is how I feel today. Well and maybe just for the next few hours. Seventeen months of this horrible journey has taught me that “feelings” change quickly. I just better have a firm place to stand as my feeling go back and forth. Despite me feeling lost in the christian community, confused by some of my own beliefs, seeds of doubt about who I am, and walking around with a very active spirit of rejection, my foundation of Jesus Christ as my Savior still remains.

No title would be fitting

Tags

, ,

Three weeks and 4 days, that is how long it has been since this heart of mine has beat the way it was intended to beat. After eighteen years and 8 days of marriage I discovered the affair. The affair that was taken place at that very moment. How could this be? I wanted someone to please give me another explanation for 3,600 text messages and 400 minutes of talking time in the 8 days since my phone bill started over! No, it is, it is an affair that I have been told has gone on for several months.
Life as I knew it ended that day. God’s grace is sufficient for me, I know this. It will carry me through and has carried me. It has not taken away the pain.

So much has happened in 25 days. Somethings are terrible, and somethings are awesome. I hope to share them all and the ones to come. I have never shared with my friends that I have this blog. So I feel this is a safe place to just get it out. Unedited, misspelled, bad grammar, and just raw in the moment emotion.

Praying for a Target basket

Tags

, , , ,

A few weeks ago I ran into Target to get 3 boxes of Hamburger Helper. As I walked into Target I passed the buggies and the baskets telling myself “I only need those 3 items and I can carry them no need to get anything”. I go straight to the isle and get the Hamburger Helper.

Now let’s not get distracted by how unhealthy Hamburger Helper is. It is not easy to admit that yes I caved under pressure and went for easy and unhealthy.  There is so much in this story that getting focused on Hamburger Helper will just cause us all to miss out on what God did.

So I have my 3 boxes of Hamburger Helper in my hands, no big deal. Until I thought “I need some french bread to go with it…..and I need some regular bread for lunch tomorrow….and I need like 3 other items.”  I am super woman I can get all these items and carry them to the check out lane.  I am slowly walking to the check out lane while balancing bread on my shoulder.  I clearly was not going to make it with all these items. I even pictured it all falling on the floor. About that time an associate came walking out of the clothes section asking me if I was going to make it. As she approached I see she has a target basket. All my items fit nicely in it. Ah so much easier, and nothing ever hit the floor!

Now back up just a little, for days I had felt overwhelmed. I will not get into all the reasons why at his point. Mainly because I like to keep things short and simple to read. One day I will write all about the mountains I need moved. So overwhelmed will just have to explain for now. I felt heavy in my heart, I felt like I was drowning, and I was not sure I wanted to even recover.

As I walked away with my items all in this Target basket God just planted something in my heart and my head. So this is how it went “I will be your Target basket.”  I just knew in that moment what He was saying to me.  I could explain all I took from that moment, but I want. I will say NOTHING CHANGED. I still left feeling heavy, I still had the same mountains. Thirty-six hours later I was reading and came to a scripture that just brought so much to me.  It helped change the way I was thinking about my situation. It was such a sweet moment with the Lord. I stopped feeling so alone, I had a helper to help.

I pray that if you are feeling like everything is about to fall your Target basket comes. That is not praying everything just magically goes away. You need some of those things, they have purpose. You do need a helper to walk those things out with you. Thank you God that you are that for us, thank you for the Holy Spirit.

Hope?

Is hope something we have automatically? Would it make any sense to say I am hopefully, hoping, for hope?…….I am not a  grammar expert but does that make “hope” an adverb verb and a noun?

A definition of hope: A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

I have been hoping for so long. I want my husband to be healed, I need him healed. Our daughters need him healed. When are we just stupid for hoping. Is hoping just keeping me from excepting the way it is. Sometimes I try to just except it thinking “it is what it is”…. and by the way I hate when people say that.  So against scripture!!…… Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see…….Yet I find myself going back and forth on hope.

Started in October 2014. Another unfinished blog because I have no answers!! But I am still hoping for hope. Sometimes I have it sometimes I don’t. But I have learned their is no place that God can’t find me, no place He will not go to catch me. When I am at my end and feel like all is lost He puts something in me. Could it be HOPE? Even if it is just for the moment to get me off the floor and carry on till my next moment of giving up. He does it every time. My circumstances have not changed. In fact they seem worse. I fall apart faster, but it never fails He picks me up. I have even thought He must get tired of rescuing me, but He doesn’t. He loves rescuing me!!  And it i a good thing.

Bethel Music has a new album out. “We will not be shaken” I could write so much just because of those songs. But for this blog I think of the song “You don’t miss a thing”.  It is worth the 8 mins!

 

 

 

Helping the Lord speed things up

Waiting for something to change can be so difficult. I am waiting for so many things at the moment. All outward appearances look like I am waiting on the Lord and trusting in Him and Him alone. And I feel like I was, until……… well until I took it into my hands. I didn’t realize it till the dust had settled but I did take t into my own hands. I used manipulation to try and get others to move. Now when did I think manipulation was going to produce good fruit. Not only did it not produce good fruit, it caused hurt and probably prolonged this issue I want resolved.

What was I thinking….well I was thinking I was tired of this, and it was time for people to change and if they were not going to open their eyes and go to the Lord for help then I would make them see and feel how their behavior was effecting ME. Hmmm….ME? Wow it really became about me and how I was bothered, not about them. Me is always getting in the way. Now even I know me doesn’t belong in this picture. to say me does not even sound right Not only is me going against the rules of language and grammar, me is going against what God is patiently accomplishing.

Looking back I can see things were rising up, and about to explode! I was physically tired and spiritually drained.

I started this blog on January 6, 2015.  Never came back and finished it.  Looking at where things are at right now I know why! But I will just publish it just like it is. If I keep waiting to have all the answers I will NEVER publish anything. I have to remember I am doing this for me, not so I can seem like I have answers.

…… And He brings me back

Last night my older girls and me watched “Moms Night Out”. What a great movie! Lots of laughter! My girls would comment on which mom they thought I was. They got a real kick out of comparing me and saying “that is you”. I found it very funny myself.
So at the end of the movie the overall opinion was that I am Sondra, the oldest mom played by Patricia Heaton. However the scene where Allyson, played by Sarah Drew, yelled at the paper towel dispenser and the scene where she went off on the restaurant hostess (Angela Johnson) reminded them so much of me. In fact it felt a little like deja-vu! I will admit I found myself in both ladies. But what impacted me most was the blog.
To understand what I am talking about you will have to just watch the movie! Allyson’s struggle was not the blog but the blog brought out her issues more. My problem is not that I have not written in over a year. I never hear God saying “you have not blogged today!”. My problem is the “why” , or maybe the root to “why” is me wanting to have the answer to the “why” so I can seem like I have it all together. If that makes since, at least it does in my mind.

God is everywhere, ever present, and always using things to talk to me, spend time with me, use me,and show me how He loves me. Writing is just one of the many tools He uses. I just complicate things to much with my “reasoning”  and “why”!

The accuser

Over the last few days I have been thinking over some things I have heard. When I heard them they hit me right away. One was “God will never accuse your spouse to you, that is not how He works”. When I heard that I thought wow, He doesn’t. Which now makes many of my arguments invalid!

This morning I was listening to Max Lucado and he was talking about the accuser of the brethren.  He was more talking on how Satan accuses us to us, but I was thinking a different way. although I totally agree, Satan is relentless on telling us how we have failed. In the same way Satan accuses others to us. He takes a piece of truth and he turns it. Satan is not stupid when it comes to this. He puts truth in it so it is something we will grab hold of. Think it is our own thought or even worse a thought from our loving Father.

A war begins in our head of accusations towards someone who has offended us, and we start down the path of bitterness and unforgivness. All the while thinking this is true. But just like God will never accuse our spouse to us, He will never accuse others to us. This is not God’s character. God will give us discernment, so we can pray and have wisdom, but never accuse.

Revelation 12:10-11 (ESV)

10 And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. 11 And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death

It is clear to me that I have been used by Satan. He has accused others to me. He has taken a piece of truth and accused. Which makes the thoughts in my head a lie!! It is so hard to realize this because these things really did happen. Those people really did do those things. Those things really wounded me. In my hurt I was week and Satan knew it.

So now I am in a process that starts today! I am not even really sure what the process is, but today I stop listening to the accusations. I am sure I will have lots to add to this post as God works some things out in me. I will have to learn to “not love my own life even unto death”