It has taken some time, but here I am attempting to get the thoughts out of my head and my heart. Life has changed so much. It has been ugly and it has been beautiful. That is a whole lot to experience at the same time. I often feel like I stand on the edge of sanity, daring to go over.
Today I am triggered by the thought of not being what my husband needed when his dad committed suicide back in May 2015. I wanted to be there for him and I thought I was. It was during that time someone else walked in door and offered a shoulder.
All I knew to do was pray during that time. Looking back I am not so sure I knew how to just love him where he was at. I kept trying to move him past it so we didn’t get stuck. Neither of us knew how to deal with such a devastating death.
I feel that my husband was in a distant place already, a few months prior he had major surgery on his back. He had dealt with back pain for several years and after a few minor surgeries it seemed it was time to go for fusion. It was a fail! The pain worse than ever and he had a very absent doctor. Pain medication became his savior and His real savior seemed to be far away (at least to him).
Just these few paragraphs have taken me a few days to write! Why do I do that to myself. I swing back and forth from “well I played a part” to ” this was all him and only him”. I want to appear fair and I don’t want to make him look bad. I really do know he is a good man ( he has just chosen to do some hurtful things). I thought I was writing for me! And for the woman who feels just like me, so she doesn’t feel alone. That is assuming anyone ever reads this.
Today I feel I was a good wife!! He just could not see past anything except himself. He was selfish and his whole world consisted of him and his pain. Escape from life was what he wanted. He cam into this marriage with this and over the years he just (well I’ll say we) dressed it up in christian wrapping paper.
That is it, that is how I feel today. Well and maybe just for the next few hours. Seventeen months of this horrible journey has taught me that “feelings” change quickly. I just better have a firm place to stand as my feeling go back and forth. Despite me feeling lost in the christian community, confused by some of my own beliefs, seeds of doubt about who I am, and walking around with a very active spirit of rejection, my foundation of Jesus Christ as my Savior still remains.